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4 June 2026 - Understanding the wound does not erase the weapon
I thought of writing a long entry about my thoughts to add to the quote below, but really...there is no need.
I sat in stunned silence listening to this person speak these words over and over as they resonated inside of me. I know I've been guilty of withdrawing from people, and I am sorry for having done that in the past. But wow, this man said what I've been feeling for a while now.
This is a direct quote from a TikTok video by the name of 'Built by Damage':
Just because I understand why you did it does not mean I excuse it.
I’m gonna stitch that on a pillow so I can beat people in the face with it.
Because some of us are so emotionally intelligent, so self-aware, so good at reading wounds and patters and pain, that now every time somebody does something foul, our brain becomes a fucking documentary narrator.
Well, you know they had a hard childhood. Maybe they’re scared, they have trust issues. They might have done that because they’re wounded.
Cool, maybe all of that is true, but they still did what they did.
Understanding the wound does not erase the weapon.
Understanding why someone lies doesn’t make the lying okay.
Understanding why someone withdraws doesn’t make the neglect feel better.
Understanding why people lash out doesn’t make the bruise somehow spiritually enriching.
And some of you are turning empathy into a coupon code for disrespect.
You hand out grace like samples at Costco and then act shocked when people are coming back with bigger carts and worse behavior.
No, compassion is not compliance.
Being able to see the pain behind the pattern is a gift. It is. It means you are deep, it means you’re thoughtful.
It means you don’t move through the world like a brick.
But if you aren’t careful that gift turns into a hostage situation because then every red flag gets a backstory, every betrayal gets a footnote, every boundary violation turns into a group project where you are somehow responsible for both the impact and the healing?
Absolutely not. You’re allowed to understand someone and still hold the line.
You’re allowed to say I get it and also say no.
You’re allowed to say that explains it and also say that doesn’t excuse it.
You’re allowed to have empathy without volunteering to be the crash mat for somebody else’s unhealed bullshit.
Pain can explain behaviour, it doesn’t pardon it.
And once you learn that your life will get quieter, cleaner and way less crowded with people who thought self-awareness is a hall pass.
17 May 2026 - I am sea glass
i hope you know you aren't broken glass
you are sea glass
shaped by the rides
softened by the waves
that once felt like they'd shatter you
what you've been through
hasn't made you less
it's made you rare and luminous
even the toughest waters can create
something beautiful
and that's what you are...
a reminder that survival can turn into art.
15 May 2026 - Today, I choose...
Sometimes I read something that just makes me laugh out loud. It can be a 'word of the day' quote like:
Twatstipation: the mental or emotional blockage caused by having to deal with too many twats in one day.
Other times, it's like someone has taken a gong mallet and struck my brain making it resonate.
"Today, I choose to let go. I choose to let go of the people who have let go of me. I choose to let go of people who make me overthink and question myself. I choose to let go of people who do not give me joy.
Today, I choose to be happy. I choose to stay away from any kinds of toxicity. I choose to release myself from all the aches I've put myself through. I choose to give myself the love I so generously give to others.
Today, I choose to stop hurting myself. I choose to follow positivity and not drown in my own sadness anymore. I choose to embrace openness and not build up walls around myself. I choose to accept and embrance my flaws and grow from them.
Today, I choose to heal. I choose to forgive myself for all the mistakes I've made when I didn't know better. I choose to guard my soul. I choose to move forward.
Today, I choose to be brave. I choose to say no to the things I don't want to say yes to. I choose to walk away from places I have outgrown. I choose to value my own time.
Today, I choose to love myself."
7 May 2026 - Sunrise Opera
Waking up early, it's dark outside with just a hint of stars left in the sky.
Sipping my morning coffee, catching up on the local wildlife activity watching through the mist in the fields across my street. The dark curtain of night magically disappeared and the show began.
Magpies greet the sun with beautiful song and it brings a smile to my heart listening to them. They're the common singers of our bird life here and remind me of the chorus members of an opera in a way.
They're the first birds I hear as the sun rises, slowly waking up as the sky brightens. The sun begins to warm the trees and air and the other birds come out to let you know they're also here with bursts of movement, stretching their wings and gliding from the trees just like they've come in from the wings of the theatre.
But the magpies are ever present in the background of our countryside and fill the air with a song that everyone knows as the wildlife Australian anthem. They provide the backdrop to the more colorful birds like the parrots in my area (rosellas, galahs and cockatoos) that demand more attention for a few moments and then fly away leaving the magpies to sing in the remainder of the morning. Then, as the sun rises above the horizon, the kookaburras laugh, watching everything from a branch high in the trees, just like the audience in the theatre.
2 May 2026 - Early morning musings & remembering my introduction to singing
1992 - Victoria, British Columbia, Canada
In my teenage years (oh so long ago), I joined our local church choir. I never thought I had a great voice, but it was something for me to do and I enjoyed singing.
The choir was directed by Betty Hanley, a professor in music education at the University of Victoria. I didn't know much about her but soon realised she was highly regarded in her field and was an amazing teacher. She helped bring out and blend our voices (both young and old) into beautiful harmony. I enjoyed singing and she must have seen something in me, as she took me under her wing and helped guide me. All of this unpaid. She was a shining light in an otherwise very dim time of my life (all of 18 years old).
Being classically trained by a professor in music education, it helped shape me, not only in music but in my personal life.
I continued with my lessons and even sang a solo (By My Side) in a local production of Godspell and helped by becoming Production Manager of Theatre on the Edge with a friend of mine. The next production performed was The Life and Death of Everyone.
1994 to 1999 - Introduction to Pacific Opera Victoria
Though my vocal coach was not completely in agreement of my trying out for opera chorus, I decided to do it. It wasn't normal for Pacific Opera Victoria (POV) to advertise for more female singers, so I jumped at the chance and auditioned.
I had never sung in German before, but I enjoyed the people and time spent learning everything.
Once the professional soloists came to join us, we started learning the staging of the opera. I was in awe. The caliber of singing, the professionalism, the camaraderie; all of it was so new to me.
Der Freischutz is widely regarded as the first German romantic opera composed by Carl Maria von Weber and premiered in June 1821 in Berlin. This was the Canadian premiere of the production, and it was a notable one for POV. It was my first introduction to performing in an opera theatre and I loved every minute of it.
I continued to sing with Pacific Opera Victoria for 5 years as a chorus member in the opera productions as well as various gala events.
Having recently gone through my saved memorabilia, I can now list all the Pacific Opera Victoria productions I performed in accurately:
Der Freischutz - performed on 10, 12, 15, 17, 19 February 1994 at the McPherson Playhouse
La Traviata - performed on 28, 30 April and 3, 5, 7 May 1994 at the Royal Theatre
The Daughter of the Regiment - performed on 22, 24, 27, 29 September and 1 October 1994 at the McPherson Playhouse
La Boheme - performed on 27, 29 April and 2, 4, 6 May 1995 at the Royal Theatre
The Love of Three Kings - performed on 15, 17, 20, 22, 24 February 1996 at the McPherson Theatre
Carmen - performed on 25, 27, 30 April and 2, 4 May 1996 at the Royal Theatre
The Pearl Fishers - performed on 19, 21 24 26 & 28 September 1996 at the McPherson Theatre
Don Giovanni - performed on 22, 24, 27, 29 April and 1 May 1999 at the Royal Theatre
Galas with Pacific Opera Victoria
Birthday Party benefit - performed on 3 March 1994 at the Royal Theatre
The Circle Starts Opera Gala benefit - performed on 7 April 1995 at the Royal Theatre
1996 to 1999 - More opportunities to sing
I soon realised there were other groups which I could join and join I did! Under the mentorship of Michael Gormley, I joined the Victoria Choral Society and his CapriCCio Vocal Ensemble. The Choral Society would often join the Victoria Symphony in their concerts and is was an amazing thing to sing with such a large group of people.
CapriCCio was smaller and was a challenge for me as I couldn't simply blend into the background. It challenged me and I became especially proud of being part of their concerts. To this day, it still brings shivers to me when I hear some of this music. An overwhelming bout of nostalgia comes to me as I hear these pieces, and I can often remember every word being sung.
Concerts with the Victoria Choral Society and Victoria Symphony
Victoria Symphony Masterworks performance of The Dream of Gerontius - performed on 23, 24 March 1996 at the Royal Theatre
A Canadian Choral Concert - performed on 9 November 1996 at the Metropolitan United Church
Victoria Symphony Masterworks performance of Brahms Requiem, Op.45 - performed on 22, 23 March 1997at the Royal Theatre
Victoria Symphony Masterworks performance of Last Night of the Proms - performed on 26, 27 March 1997 at the Royal Theatre
Victoria Symphony Masterworks performance of Beethoven's Symphony No. 9 in D minor, Op 125- performed on 2, 3 May 1998 at the Royal Theatre
An Autumn Feast of Baroque & Classical music - performed on 21 November 1998 at Christ Church Cathedral
Handel's Messiah - performed on 11, 12 December 1999 at the Royal Theatre
Concerts with CapriCCio Vocal Ensemble:
Coronation Anthems - performed on 6 June 1998 at Christ Church Cathedral
Remembrance Day - performed on 11 November 1998 at Christ Church Cathedral
Voices through Time - performed on 16 January 1998 at Christ Church Cathedral
CapriCCio plus One - performed on 13 March 1999 at Christ Church Cathedral
Handel's Dixit Dominus and Schubert's Mass in C - performed on 15 May 1999 at Christ Church Cathedral
26 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - Driving Home
Day 7 - Driving home from Canberra
I was filled with so much joy and hope after having attended the festival in Canberra.
A brochure for an online watercolor painting workshop with John Haycraft was in my bag and I was eagerly waiting for the email from him with the details in which to join the term. My soul felt light and happy and as I drove home into the sunset, I realised that this was exactly what I had needed to reset myself back onto the path I had originally started back in 2016 when I started that Saturday watercolor workshop. I had wanted to find myself, explore my artistic side and find joy again.
Joy and meaning in my life had disappeared for a while and I thought I would never find it again but having met some amazing artists and people this past week, it had allowed me to regenerate.
I am still anxious, I am still nervous about meeting people, nervous about getting out in large public settings, but I know I can do it now.
Someone approached me during the last couple of days and mentioned how they thought I was a carefree soul and I had immediately turned it around to say that I hadn't been for some time. I realise now I should have said that I was, because I am and have always been, but had repressed my carefree soul into a small box without much sunlight. This past week brought her out and she's ready to sing again.
The beautiful colors in the sky during the sunset were also quietly singing and I had to stop along the way to take photos and share them with you.
26 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - Kingston Foreshore, QuickDraw & Exhibition
Day 7 - Kingston Foreshore - QuickDraw and Exhibition
I hadn't planned on registering for the QuickDraw competition, but at the last minute was encouraged to do so by some of the organisers. I went down to Jack Ross Park at the end of the Kingston Foreshore Promenade and set up in the shade of two young trees. Most painting subjects were of the lake, but I decided to focus on a small area within the Jack Ross Park.
Painting quickly, I lay down the basic colours and then went back in to define the leaves and grasses. It was overworked and overly saturated, but it was the first time I had finished a painting outdoors which I just did freely and expressively. I was happy with it and decided I would enter it into the QuickDraw competition.
My painting amongst the many beautiful pieces which were created that morning.
All of the paintings done throughout the week were exhibited in the Fitters Workshop and I wish I had the money to buy every last one that I liked.
So many different view points, different approaches and styles but all were beautiful to gaze upon.
I tried to limit myself to the one painting I had purchased from Ted Lewis, but when I saw the diptych painted by Linda MacAuley, I just couldn't say no. I immediately put a hold on it and purchased it the very next day.
The photos I've taken of it just don't do it justice.
25 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - The National Triangle
Day 6 - The National Triangle
Today marked the official start of the festival. It was held within the National Triangle after the ANZAC dawn service.
Struggling with a little loss of balance and tiredness, I decided to set up right in the middle on one of the benches in the main thoroughfare.
Scott Gellatly began his painting demonstration, and I was mesmorised by his process. He took splashes of color and made it all come together somehow. Scott spoke of color and how unconventional colors can be used in the background or on the opposite focal side of the painting to bring the painting together.
After the demonstration and lunch, I moved to another location of the area and went back to my watercolors today. I felt so much more comfortable with them.
My attempts were basic, but I felt good about painting it. Another painter close by was being approached by people and children asking him questions. He was very friendly and when he had a spare moment, he came over to chat. He told me how he had asked some of the children to paint a bit of his painting saying it made their day and didn't cause any issues with his paintings whatsoever. That small gesture was beautiful.
The painting I was working on was another small one which I didn't really finish as I packed up my things to get back to the Fitters Workshop to view Scott Gellatly's presentation by 4pm.
Completely out of character for me, I went around the Fitters Workshop after the presentation and asked some of the people to come for dinner at a local Thai restaurant. My friend Louise and the gentleman I had met earlier came and we had a blast, talking non-stop. The food arrived quickly and was lovely.
24 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - The National Arboretum
Day 5 - The National Arboretum
This day was mainly about watching and learning, though it felt like every day I was learning something new.
It started with a Q&A session with the four workshop tutors, Linda MacAuley, Kasey Sealey, John Haycraft and Julie Simmons. Informative and fun for all artists.
Introduction - Linda MacAulay Artist
Kasey Sealy – Nationwide Curating
Immediately following the Q&A, I attended Warwick Fuller's demonstration in oil painting. He took an unimaginative subject full of details and simplified it into a beautiful painting. Oddly though he said that it was his failure painting of the week. If I had such a failure I would be in heaven.
When that concluded I walked along the parked cars and took some photos. Again, I saw Ted Lewis painting and went down to have a chat while he painted this beautiful panoramic view. I wish I had taken a photo of his painting.
I tried to take into account what Warwick had instructed in his demonstration and painted again on a small canvas. I stopped after a while once I realised I couldn't really get it right.
23 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - Portrait Drawing at the Fitters Workshop
Day 4 - Portrait Drawing at the Fitters Workshop
After a fantastic day out at Weston Park, I decided to attend the Portrait Drawing sessions which the Capital Plein Air Festival had organised. I tried my hand at sketching the male and female models and realised I truly needed to work on my quick sketching.
I had never attended a portrait drawing session and it made me realise just how much I was missing by living in a small little town in rural NSW. There weren't options to attend these types of sessions around and so I'll have to look at doing these on my own online, which defeats the purpose of painting/sketching from a three-dimensional person. Alas, that is what comes with living out in the middle of nowhere.
No photos were taken during the session that I could find and I didn't dare take any.
Lauren Sutherland from the Tipsy Sketching Club was the organiser and it was great to participate, even if it was only for the first half of the evening. If you're interested in booking them for your local area, here is their website:
23 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - Weston Park
Day 4 - Weston Park
That morning I woke with more incentive and felt better about trying to paint again. Feeling energised I put directions in my phone and drove out to Weston Park
The main part of the park was spacious and had a gentle slope down to the water at one end. I set up under a tree to avoid the heat from the sun and enjoyed my day watching and painting.
A few artists set up along the edge of the water and painted the poplar trees on the opposite shore and their reflections in the water.
Throughout the day I watched others paint and was captivated by one particular painting being done by Ted Lewis. I watched as he laid the foundations of the view onto his canvas and bring it to life with the colors of autumn and the view through the trees looking up at the Telstra tower. Watching him paint brought me joy. His paintbrush brought the image to life, and I kept getting distracted watching him instead of painting my own view.
He came over to look at my work at one time and though I was embarrassed by the quality of my work compared to his, he gave me words of encouragement which helped me along.
That day I felt joy, both in participating but also in painting and learning. It was the first day in which I felt like I belonged in the festival, even though my work wasn't anything I could compare to others. I truly felt at peace with being outdoors and painting.
I tried my hand at a small canvas again and used my acrylic to paint a view of Government House from across the river. Though it was small, I felt it captured the view and I was happy with my interpretation of it.
I took photos throughout the day, but this is one of Ted Lewis painting the one I eventually purchased from him. He said he felt it was his best work throughout the week and I agreed. Isn't it stunning? Trust me and have a look at some of his other work here:
I took photos throughout the day, but this is one of Ted Lewis painting the one I eventually purchased from him. He said he felt it was his best work throughout the week and I agreed. Isn't it stunning?
22 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - Cotter Bend
Day 3 - Cotter Bend
I kept changing my mind as to whether I was going to go out to Cotter Bend, but I told myself to get over it and get out there. I drove out on the winding road out there and found beauty with every minute further out of Canberra.
The area around Cotter Bend was lovely, and the main area had so many of the artists set up and painting by the time I arrived. I set up near a large log and enjoyed the sound of the water running over the rocks in the river.
It was beautiful but I couldn't really get settled. I decided to write in my journal and sketch. I commented about the previous days and felt a little peace as I wrote. I had hoped to paint, but I didn't have the calmness I felt I needed, so I wandered and introduced myself to a few of the artists around me.
Wandering down the creek/river, I found some beautiful little places and followed a couple of ducks as they swam along.
I decided to leave earlier, just after lunch and again, stopped along the way to take photos. Such a beautiful area and think I need to get back there to paint on my own.
21 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - Government House
Day 2 - Government House
Entry to the Government House grounds was set for a limited time only. Arriving at the gate, presenting identification and then driving through was a bit nerve-wracking, but I parked and unloaded my newly purchased cart full of equipment and paints. The sun was shining again and it was amazing to walk down the path to the back lawns. So many people were already there and it felt surreal.
I set up next to the back retaining wall and set up camp so to speak. The reflections on the water were so beautiful, and I truly wanted to capture them but again felt so out of my depth.
I watched as rowers broke across the lightly rippling water and the water sparkled like diamonds.
The artists set up like vibrant color across the lawns and around the house. Some sat informally on the grass; others stood like a conductor preparing to lead an orchestra. Funnily enough, there appeared two musicians who set up and played in the garden.
Funnily enough, there appeared two musicians who set up and played in the garden.
I continued to paint in acrylics, though small in size. It felt good to get something down on canvas.
Painting outdoors was still a challenge though.
Tours were organised to view the inside of Government House and it was definitely worth the time to look at the art throughout. From portraits to beautiful vases and furniture. The color and different styles were a feast for the eyes.
Arthur Streeton "In a London garden" c 1934
Ralph Heimans "The Honourable Dame Quentin Bryce" c 2014
20 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - Cuppacumbalong Homestead, Tharwa
Day 1 - Cuppacumbalong Homestead, Tharwa
Monday morning, we gathered at Cuppacumbalong Homestead in Tharwa.
Cuppacumbalong in the Aboriginal language means "meeting of two rivers". The homestead is where the Murrumbidgee and Gudgenby rivers meet and it is serene and beautiful.
The weather was glorious and the sun was shining. I had been lucky to get a cancellation spot in the acrylics workshop with Linda MacAulay as the teacher. Having barely touched my acrylics, I thought it best to try it again to see whether I could create something in it that was passable.
Linda was lovely and very helpful and supportive. Have a look at some of her work here: Introduction - Linda MacAulay Artist
The day was hot. We were all overdressed and underprepared for the sun and were getting sunburnt.
By lunchtime we had moved to the shade of the trees.
I was pleasantly surprised by my painting attempts and by the end of the workshop, had some confidence to continue with my acrylics during the week.
The drive home was lovely and I had to stop and take some more photos of the area, usually just pulling over the shoulder of the road.
17-19 April 2026 - Capital Plein Air festival - Pre-festival activities
Pre-festival activities
Having heard of the Capital Plein Air festival from friends, I decided to try my hand at participating. It was a whirlwind of colours, beautiful sites (and sights) and newly formed friendships.
I arrived on the Friday, a week before Anzac weekend and settled into my one-bedroom apartment. I was a block away from the Kingston Foreshore and a block away from the Fitters Workshop (where some of the events were being held). I spent the Saturday shopping and filling my fridge with some lovely delights from Cook & Co (formerly Essential Ingredients) and the Silo Bakery. My apprehension in attending is only settled by getting as organised as I could get before the actual day. I had a fridge full of fruit, French pate, beautiful cheese, freshly baked foccacia bread and some lovely pickled bread and butter zucchini.
Sunday afternoon was early registration down by the Dock at the Kingston Foreshore. I had lunch, saw some fellow artists stroll the area and bit the bullet and registered. I second guessed myself the entire time, feeling like a fraud and wondering if I was completely out of my depth.
September 2023 - Venice and Rome, Italy
The idea of this trip started as a wish, a desire to test my plein-air skills (or lack there of). I had no idea where I wanted to go but Italy has always been on the top of my list.
After many years of putting myself last, I knew I wanted to go to a place where I could soak up the atmosphere, taste thr local goods, enjoy coffee and sketch or paint whenever I wanted.
I didn't know how to start planning, so I searched online for a painting holiday and found one for a week in Venice. Knowing I would want more I decided to add a week on the tail end to see Rome on my own. I jumped off that cliff, I reserved my spot for Venice, booked and paid for my flights and started planning my carry-on luggage packing list.
I was scared, excited and so anxious leading up to the holiday, but I enjoyed every minute and met some amazing fellow artists and tested my independence.
Venice and Rome were a dream come true, filled with sights beyond imagining and I was filled with awe. I took many photos and sketched when I could. The food was amazing and though some service staff were not as accommodating towards tourists, the locals were friendly and helpful.
One of the highlights from my trip was sitting in a local cafe in Tratevere, Rome. I was sitting having a café latte when a couple at another table enquired about buying the sketch I was working on of a statue from Arsenale, Venice. I finished it off, signed it and packaged it as best i could for them and sent off my sketch hoping they would enjoy it for many years to come!
One of the statues at Arsenale, Venice
Sitting at Bar Foscarini, looking at Basilica di Santa Maria della Salute, Venice
On the grand canal, Venice
Near the Rialto Markets, Venice
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